i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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