my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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