I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
