Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
