That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
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