yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
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Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
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You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.