Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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