so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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