I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
