you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
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i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
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I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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