just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
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