I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
