My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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