my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
