you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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