Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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