Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
