You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
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She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
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She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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