saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
