We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
