We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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