I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
