So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
