the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
