I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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