every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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