She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
