i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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