Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
