I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
