well I can't set my house on fire every night
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
