I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Someone came in the potted fern
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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