I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Randomize
