I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
