clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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