I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
