Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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