Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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