My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
