Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
