the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
