I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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