Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
