You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
