FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
