he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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