Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We were destined to go to rehab together
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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