He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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