jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I smell like Dick and happiness
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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