I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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