There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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