If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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