before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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