I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
