Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
