It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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