I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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