i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
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Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
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He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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