Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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