If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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